hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Randomize
