Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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