oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
