we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
