I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
