A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
