She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
