dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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