help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
