new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Randomize
