i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
