I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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