Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
