I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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