And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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