Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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