she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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