Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
