i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Randomize
