There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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