In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
