My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
