cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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