The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
