Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
