My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
