Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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