Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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