The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
