dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
