why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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