Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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