we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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