sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
