My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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