I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
So apparently I’m into choking now
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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