My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
