1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Randomize
