I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
