I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
