I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
