I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
