I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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