1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
