the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
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