If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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