Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
How's work?
Spinning.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
