i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Shame - the story of my life.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
