I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
