One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
