Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
